Episode 4: How to Advocate for LGBTQ Families with Luce Remy

Hey, do you want to hang out with us for the next nine months? Maybe more. Okay,
here's the deal. We want to start a second journey to having a sibling for our
son. And grow our family. And we can't do it ourselves. We need help. We're looking
for our next hero. Is that going to be you? So the way that we're doing this is
through a company called Nodal Surrogacy. And Nodal has really tried to eliminate
some of the little man and put the surrogate first. They've made it really easy for
decision -cares and surrogates to match. And it's sort of like a surrogacy dating
app. So all you have to do is go to the link in our show notes or check out the
link on our Instagram, and you can apply. - And remember, when you apply,
you're just applying and you're getting more information and it's only the first
step. Here's the thing that I think the most potential surrogates are concerned
about. They're concerned about what are other people going to think. Listen, people
are gonna judge you no matter what. So what do you have to lose? The other thing
that most surrogates are concerned about is what is life like afterwards? And let me
tell you, we just moved 15 minutes away from our first surrogate who's now a to
your friend of ours. And we get to see her all the time. I mean, we obviously
kept in touch with her before, but now it's so great. We get to see her for lunch
and she can stop over and say hi and see Maverick if she wants. And it's almost
like having the best aunt ever. So if you want to be the aunt in our lives and
help us grow our family, we would love to meet you. Go check out the link in our
show notes and we'll keep you updated here on the podcast as our journey goes There
are little things you can do like not even little they're just sort of medium -sized
It's like showing up in spaces if you Have a kid in school asking questions that
you think like from this podcast you hear about something like oh wait What is my
schools like anti bullying policy? Do they have a policy about how they treat lgbtq
i treat LGBTQI plus students. How do you handle families with different structures?
Asking those questions of your administrators, if you see something that you're like,
I'm not sure how that would feel for my two friends who are gay men and have
kids, speak up. Point it out. And that is advocacy. I mean, if you can and you
have the time, great show up at a school board meeting, run for office, be active
in your community that way, but you don't have to. You just have to see something,
say something.
We want to be the nicest neighbors that you ever knew to us. You're always welcome,
whether I left red or blue, there's so much love inside us and a world to send it
to. That's the reason why we've gone from Broadway to husband's to death.
Come over and visit us. Okay,
welcome back to the Husband Sadaz podcast. Welcome back. Good to have you here.
It's been so fun, like, rolling these episodes out every week and hearing from so
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who, who created these flowers? This is Hamsamba. Every single week now that Ars
wants to arrange flowers. He's a florist. He's a florist.
He's a three -year -old florist. And so this particular arrangement, he made yesterday.
Yeah. And I believe there are five different flower, uh, flowers in there.
And he picked them out. I let him pick them, pick pick them out. So typically,
like yesterday for instance, because one of the last times I let him pick out
flowers, he picked out way more than I wanted him to. And he also picked out ones
that were like $10 and up. And I was like, so this time I was like,
we're only getting two flowers. He was like so many, so many. And I was just like,
okay, we'll see. But luckily Everything that he was picking was like $4 .99 and
under $10. So I let him kind of you know I did have to say no a couple times I
was like no not that one and so this is what he picked and then we came home and
yeah But I love it because he we go into Trader Joe's and the Trader Joe's here
in Orlando First off thing if you're listening to this Trader Joe's Please open more
location more locations. In Orlando. Maybe one in Winter Garden. Yes. Because there's
only one that we have to drive really far to but we're dedicated Trader Joe's fans
so. Because you know we're not really the best chefs so we need all the help we
can get and Trader Joe's usually makes it all work. So they had these little carts
that kids can actually push themselves and Flows it so what we do is we let him
use the little cart to buy the flower Yeah, and then he buys them and I will say
I just want to say really quickly So the first time we went the trader Joe's that
we went to in Texas did not have children's carts So the first time I went I was
by myself with Maverick and they have children's carts there and so I let him use
the cart and I did not use a big cart because I was like, there's no way I'm
going to be able to manage him and push a big cart and let him push this little
cart. So I was unable to really shop. So what I quickly learned, here's a tip,
trick and way to go at Trader Joe's. If you have a toddler who wants to use the
small cart is, this is what I came up with, we, I say before we get there,
I say, no, we're gonna and you're going to sit in the cart while I do all the
shopping and you can help me and then we're going to take all the groceries out to
the car and put them in the car and then we're going to come back and you can
use the small cart and usually let him do the flowers.
Okay so there's a couple things that I thought would be really good to talk about
today leading into our conversation with our special guest today is Luce Remi, who
works with family quality. If you don't know family quality, they're an amazing
organization that is literally fighting in every single state in this country and
federally to get equal rights for gay families. And they have done pretty amazing
things, which you'll hear her talk about. But of course, Of course, as we're
launching into this literally yesterday, the Supreme Court said it is that parents
are now able to opt out of classes where they're going to have LGBTQ + or inclusive
books. So now, it's not even happening out of classes, I think that it says, so
the Supreme Court issued an order On June 30th, they contained its follow -up to the
appointing ruling of U .S. versus Scrametti. It's basically saying, you know,
they're, you know, basically going to allow states to ban transgender care and North
Carolina passed a bill this morning, just this morning, saying that they're banning
the rights for parents to choose with their child and their doctor how to give and
provide health care to their children, which I think is just Unbelievable, but then
this scrimmetti court case Basically says that like they can parents can opt children
out of classes that have storybooks with LGBTQ Characters,
so if it's a book that has gay dads, gay moms. - Right, but so,
go ahead, keep going. - Like, you can literally pull your kid out, but like, yet,
there's schools where they're forcing them to put the 10 commandments,
and no one can opt out of that, I don't know. - But you can't, but also you can't
opt out of a story that just, that has a mom and a dad, is that,
I mean,
the same, the same thing. I mean, that's the same thing. Like, I don't want to go
to your school if you're promoting heterosexual parents. And so how does, so the
thing that that kind of opens up for me is the obvious things. And then like,
how do you, how do people navigate, how do schools navigate that?
Because if parents are all coming and saying, I don't want them to do this, I
don't But then how is the school able to run the curriculum and teach the things
they're trying to teach? And that limits so, that can limit so many things.
Like, Alito's like opinion on it says that not letting them opt out for parents is
encringing on their rights to religious freedom, which makes zero sense to me. like
being gay is nothing to do with your religion and And school has nothing to do
with religion if it's not like a if it's not a religious school then what's then
what's the That is so that's so infuriating and so well And also just makes you
like if it just forgets that all families exist like it's just it's really waiting
for Furiating so we could talk about this forever. Yeah, we really could. But it's
just a good reason to know why family equality exists because they're the ones going
in there and they're in the courts and they're providing the lawyers and they're
creating, you know, fight back for this legislation. And I think it's sad.
It's just really sad. I think it's really sad mostly because I think about young
kids, I think about Maverick when he starts school, you know, we have to find a
solution for him where he's not gonna feel other because he has two dads. - So
basically is that saying that if my son were to go to school and read a story or
like if he wrote an essay, what I did this summer, right? If Maverick went to
school and said, what did I do this summer? Well, my dad and papa took me to Lake
Tahoe. He wouldn't be able to say that sentence. Is that what that's saying? I
mean, this is where it gets complicated, right? I mean, that's that's what that's
saying. So I think it's super important that, you know, we support organizations like
this Yeah, and I think that you'll find a lot of insight and insightful lists from
Our conversation with Lou. So take a listen. Let us know what you think again come
and leave a review after this or DM us and let us know what you think. We can't
wait to hear it. - And subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts. - Enjoy.
- Hi, Luz, welcome to the podcast. - Hi, thank you for having me, excited. - So glad
you're here. Let's just dive right into some of these questions that we have for
you, because we're huge fans, as you know, for a family quality, but what are some
of the common challenges that LGBTQ + families face, particularly when it comes to
societal acceptance or even legal situations or navigating institutions like schools
and healthcare. Driving right in, and you're right in my wheelhouse. That's right.
Let's hear it. So I'm going to start with the downer and then go to the positive.
I want to say that the challenges for LGBTQ + that sort of start even before you
show up at your first doctor's visit or you click on a website. So you're going to
face challenges, particularly if you're going through like reproductive fertility,
whether you are an LGBTQ + couple, a single woman, a single man, a lesbian couple,
a gay couple, you are going to find that insurance hasn't in the past covered most
of your fertility needs, particularly because it's based on a very old definition of
infertility that assumed, you know, to hetero people doing the do. So we have seen
in the past couple of years that the association for, sorry, ASR round,
they are lovely. They - Reproductive medicine. American Society for Reproductive
Medicine. So many acronyms. Yep. They have actually come out recently in 2023 with
an updated definition of infertility that encompasses single individuals and LGBTQ +
couples, and what they are doing by doing that. And one of the things Family
Equality did was work with them and really advocate with ASRM about this need for
an updated definition, is because with this updated definition, insurance, we can go
to insurance companies and be like, you are not actually treating individuals and
LGBTQ couples fairly. And so once with this new definition, insurance companies are
changing, we've seen organizations like the National Women's Law Center,
National Center for Lesbian Rights, also suing a lot of insurance companies to make
their policies more inclusive. So the first, the downer is it starts before you even
show up at the doctor's office or you go to an option agency or a foster placement
organization because oftentimes, depending on the state you're in, a lot of law
around family is very state -based. And so the state you're in can dictate whether
or not an adoption agency, a foster placement agency, is willing to deal with you
because certain states allow what we call license -discriminate bills where it says
that an organization that has a deeply held belief can discriminate against a
perfectly qualified LGBTQ + couple, a Jewish couple, you know, someone with
disabilities, low income. And so these licenses discriminate bills are based on a
really a misinterpretation of the like religious freedom restoration act, otherwise
known as RFRA. So this is where I get the weeds. But, so you're gonna face these
challenges. So the first thing you kind of need to do is one, check your insurance.
If you're looking at foster care or adoption, check what the state laws are. We
have a state by state guide that focuses on foster care on Family Equalities
website. We also have one around adoption as well, so you can start there.
Once you get into the doctor's office or you find a placement agency that is
affirming, because there are lots of them out there, you just have to kind of look
for them, we find that those, once you're in a good place, the fertility specialists
are really understanding nowadays about queer couples, queer individuals going through
their journey of creating and forming their families, similar with good adoption
agencies like we can and know a couple because I'm actually going through the
process in Washington DC. So I've been like dealing with the list of them. And then
the challenge is once you are going through that process, it's making sure that
people you're going to find sometimes there's different people have different levels
of awareness. So sometimes you're going to find sort of what we'd like to call our
likes called microaggressions of people not really understanding and not really um,
assuming a very Western nuclear family in the structure of what your journey is
like. And then, like, but people are learning. Oftentimes, people are trying to learn
and do better. So I think those are the real first challenges they navigate. When
it comes to schools, it's still the same thing about, like, we are, we are a
Western society, there's an assumption of the modern nuclear family and people just
assume. One of my favorite phrases that I think throughout this, this podcast, I'm
probably saying is something my mother used to say, 'cause my grandmother and my
grandma used to say, like, "Assumptions, they make it a butthole." -Ass of you and
me, that's right. -That's literally true. Well, I'm not sure if we could curse here,
so it's like... -Yes. -So, assumptions. And so, oftentimes, people run out against
assumptions, and these assumptions not just are sort of othering to them, but they
can also make parents, children, caregivers feel unsafe, so they don't express their
needs because if you make an assumption at the beginning and you push that on
someone else they're like oh well this is what you want from me so therefore I
don't feel safe telling you what I need and that can really have deep impacts on
how a kid shows up in school whether or not a parent advocates for a child or now
you advocate with a health care provider how you're dealing with a state agency
parents we find that LGBTQ + people are much less likely to go in and seek the
help and the services that they need if they're if they had an experience where
they were othered or assumptions were made about their family structure or people
indicated that they weren't supportive or at least opened that reality. - Yeah, well,
so we talked a little bit about the challenges and you sort of started to talk
about some of the successes but can you be a little bit more specific? Can you
share a success story from your work at the family equality that highlights the
positive impact of of communities? Yeah, so it's interesting. So we worked for
several years in the 2010s around the parent child security act in New York state
and it was removing bands on surrogacy. It was creating sort of, it was redoing the
New York state code such that it was really welcoming and understanding and
recognizing thick parents and children created through the process of such reproductive
technology. And One of the things I think is a success story is a lot of the
individuals that we tapped to be part of this who helped us, you know, craft our
campaign, who were working in coalition with us, one of those guys, he like, when I
met him, he was, when I started, not when I met him, when a colleague of mine
started, first started working with him. He was single, you know, doing the work,
amazing dude. Now he lives in New Jersey, has two kids and is married. And like, I
see them past the screen isn't that a lot of like our meetings about. So let's
talk about like you know marriage in New York state and other sort of LGBT issues
and it happens dozens of people have done that. I saw how as we have worked in
states people are therefore seeing it's possible it's that old phrase of you it's
easier to see it if you it's either be it if you can see it and so people seeing
that these laws are changing seeing that it's possible. They're opening their
horizons. There are couples, individuals who are like, "I never thought that as a
queer person, I could have a family." Oh wait, not only is their marriage so great,
I can get married, but even if I don't want to get married, like, "Oh, I can be
a parent." There are laws that allow me to fulfill those dreams. So I see, I was
at men having babies, they're convening in New York, and I was talking to all of
these wonderful men who like going through the process as a couple. I met this
great guy who was in his late 20s and he's like, "I want to be a father and I'm
going through the surrogacy process on my own. I'm working with my parents. It's a
whole thing." And I'm just like, "Look at that." Those people are the reason I kind
of get up every day with joy because if I ever feel down, I can literally just
click and see your kids, my friends' kids, my colleagues' kids, the families they're
creating, some of them don't have kids, but seeing how joyous they are in their
multi -generational households and how they're showing up as their whole selves.
Amazing. I mean, I don't think we knew that this was possible growing up,
so it's on us so amazing to see that and to see such advocacy happening, but I'm
really curious when it comes to people who, let's say they, their kids go to a
school that have LGBTQ parents, you know, more of their classmates.
What are some common missteps or unintentional insensitivities you were kind of
alluding to a minute ago that you've seen and how could people avoid them? I think
it goes back to, like, assumptions. Don't make assumptions.
And honestly, people, I think people forget or sometimes don't understand that they're
curious or that their confusion or curiosity can come off as very confronting. And
so one, don't make assumptions about people, but two, also be vulnerable in your
confusion, meaning approach people in a way that is curious and being-- and I often
said, like, "Ask people questions." And ask them from a space of vulnerability, like
saying, "Hi." I, like, let's just say, I don't know, you're in the carpool line and
you've seen this woman or this-- a better example-- this non -binary person showing
up to pick up little Susie, and you've seen them on multiple occasions, but you're
not really sure, they don't always show up, but you don't know who this person is.
You can literally be like, "Hi, my My name is this one's parent. I don't hear, and
I've seen you here before, and I've seen you with Susie, and Susie plays on the
playground with my child. Who are you? What is your name? How are you connected
with this child? Like, I just wanna know because I like getting to know all of my
child's friends, you know, caregivers. Don't assume that they're a parent. Don't
assume what their relationship is. Just ask the question. I'm curious. I didn't know,
And I want to know these and I want to know you that sense of I want to know
you Versus who are you? Why are you here? It's the same question But it's asked in
very different tone and I find that that leads to openness and it leads to people
feeling like oh You may not know me and you're curious, but I'm not sensing you're
being like rejecting And I think it starts with what you said like don't making
assumptions because I we've definitely had We've definitely had people go, "Is that
the kid's mom about a babysitter?" About a babysitter, yeah. And immediately that
kind of shuts us down. Like, no, our kid doesn't have a mom, he has two dads. But
it's an interesting, like that assumption that I already made that a kid has to
have a mom is already made in so many people's minds. So if you don't make that
assumption, then you can come from a place with more curiosity. I love that. Yeah.
And honestly, like the phrase, like one of the phrase I have learned to use just
in my life. I work in a lot of spaces that have so many different types.
side, the LGBTQ + community, how can they teach their children to be allies and
understand the diversity of family structures? I try to think about it, like, how do
you do that? And I'm like, my honest answer is, like, you can do it in so many
different ways. I think, one, it's about modeling the type of behavior you want your
child to -- modeling who you want your child to be in the world. So think about,
I love this line from into the woods careful what you say children listen so it's
really the things you do you say how you treat people when you are By yourself,
it's you and your partner you by yourself with this kid. You're watching the news I
vividly remember as a child something homophobic My dad said when I was like nine
years old at the news when we were watching dinner And that was one of the reasons
it took me longer to come out But if you show a level of respect and a level of
openness and interest and curiosity in a very compassionate way, that's what your
child is going to do. And second, when they come to you with the question, treat
it with openness and being like, okay, and factualness. Like, I think you don't like
a, oh, where do you, why are you asking what's going on, going, just treating it
like, okay, it's a completely normal question. I'm going to answer it. Also, you
don't really need to give them the birds in the bees talk at their five. Give them
an honest, factual answer that their brains are capable of. And particularly, third
thing is in this environment that we're dealing with right now, or we're seeing a
lot of like book bans, don't say trans, don't say gay bans in schools, you know,
focuses on what's in the library. Age appropriate reading material is so important.
We all as individuals, as parents, as family, we don't know everything,
but there is someone who's written a book on it. And having access to libraries and
having access to librarians who are some of the most like righteous and interesting
people you will ever meet, like they want to help. Having access to those people
and giving them the opportunity to give you information is so critical. So go to
your librarian. If your kid asks a question, give them the best answer you can,
then go to your library and say, "Hey, my child asked about this. Do you have an
age -appropriate book for them?" And also, when you're thinking about it, if you have
people in your community already that you know, one of the things my mom did and
one of the things I do, because I grew up in the '70s, well, okay, I was born in
the '70s. I mean, not me that age myself that much. So I grew up in it.
But one of the things my mom did was give me lots of reading material. So I
remember when my favorite books was like "Mommy's at Work" and it was all of these
different pictures about kids with moms who went to work and all the jobs they
could do. There are equally good books about different types of families and my mom
did that consciously and gave it to all of her friends, kids, when they were at
reading age. So I have a list of books that I just have now identified for each
reading age and for all of my straight And just and anyone I'm just like here and
unless I know it absolutely will not be accepted in your household This is what I
give you as a present so that it's in your bookshelf for your Put it there to
begin with Yeah, books are power How does family quality help families advocate for
their rights particularly in those states and those regions that have less legal
protection for LGBTQ + families. So we sort of focus on a sort of a three -legged
stool. It's advocacy, education, and connection. I sort of deal with the,
I deal with the advocacy arm of it and lead an amazing, small but amazing, small
but mighty team of professionals and experts. And so we do the advocacy work.
So we're working both at the state and at the federal Working with a lot of the
quality orgs in different states helping them as they track bills that are pro they
push forward proactive legislation That's in favor of LGBT because you post families
or we fight back on those bad bills like the The discrimination bills the anti
trans girls all of that. So there's that level where we're doing that work But as
we do it, we're writing bill explainers. We're writing FAQs We're out there doing
our state -by -state guides that we're already doing on adoption, on voluntary
assumption of parentage, on all of these different issues. So our website is full of
resources that way. And then that also leads into the education portion. So we do a
lot of peer support spaces for current parents,
for adoptive parents, for people going through their fertility and family formation
journey. We have peer support spaces. we provide advice in different types of
webinars in that way. And then there's community. We also make sure we do a lot of
events. So we, as Family Equality, organize the, sorry, I'm like thinking about my
head of programs is telling me exactly what the phrasing is. It's like we organized
the largest gathering of LGBTQ + families in the world every summer in Provincetown.
- Every summer, Provincetown, that's right. - And I went this year and we had like
close to 800 families there and so there's some great pictures on the beach of all
of these families and all their diversity of color size just all of these different
things and they're there just having joy and time together so we do um the family
weekend we do um regional family sorry family week in province town then we do
regional family gatherings that are weekends so we're just did one in midwest in
Minneapolis we're going to be doing one in Atlanta in the spring. I mean, we're
looking at rolling more of those out. We're also building out a network to really
connect other parents to each other so that they are able to, we have a great and
active Facebook that and their Facebook group there. So that's how we were doing it
in three different ways. - Amazing. And is the best place to go to get some of the
information you just talked about, the Family Equality website? - Yes, it is. So on
that website, it'll break down into both our policy work, asking questions,
resources, and events. Hey friends, quick pause from today's episode to tell you
about something really special that we built just for you. If you've been loving
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Neighborhood and What rule does advocacy play in creating lasting change for LGBTQ +
families and how can individuals get involved in that advocacy? So advocacy to me is
like there's sort of me capital a advocacy And then I think there's what them and
I think that can be really intimidating to people because they think of I'm not you
know Wearing the protect LGBTQ + family shirt And I don't like do this like 20
hours a week that they're not engaging in advocacy. That is not the case lower case
advocacy to me is being What I'm now calling being an accomplice. So I was at a
meeting and someone said I'm no longer looking for allies I'm looking for accomplices
It's a better description of what I think queer families LGBT people need We need
people who are willing to go with us on the journey and be with us in the
accountability of if it goes wrong. You know, we want to be not just with allies,
but with accomplices. But being an accomplice is someone who is very clear about
what their values are, will speak up. And also, it is in small ways. It's just
your, you know, your parents group, making sure that you, as much as you are safe,
be visible, you know, be, and be present, talk about your family. If you don't feel
safe doing that, that's cool. I understand. Be -protection is the first thing, but as
much as you can be visible and vocal, that's really important. If you,
as an ally, as an accomplice, I think that it's also, there are little things you
can do, like, not even little, they're just sort of medium -sized. It's like showing
up in spaces. If you have a kid in school, asking questions that you think like
from this podcast, you hear about something like, oh wait, what is my schools like
anti -bullying policy? Do they have a policy about how they treat LGBTQI + students?
What, how do you handle like families with different, you know, different structures?
Asking those questions at, of your administrators, if you see something that you're
like, hmm, I'm not sure how that would feel for my like, you know, my two friends
who are gay men and have kids, speak up, point it out. And that is advocacy. I
mean, if you can and you have the time, great show up at a school board meeting,
run for office, be active in your community that way, but you don't have to. You
just have to see something, say something. - Yeah, yeah, it's so good.
And I love the accomplice thing. I'm gonna use that all the time and then I'll
love it. - Yeah, you know, it's something that we've been asked to from other
accomplices, as they'll say, you know, how can we support you more? And it's like,
you just need to speak up, right? And say something when you see a lack of
inclusion, I am really, you know, I think your website might have resources around
what your school should have or like expectations to protect children and LGBTQ plus
families would be more inclusive. But I, I want to know what gives you hope for
LGBTQ + families in this future, especially as we're entering this new administration,
and what gives you hope for their acceptance in communities? The first thing that
gives me hope is the fact that we've always been here.
We have always been creating families. And what that means is we will you to create
families. We will continue to find community and be together. And if we have to do
it underground, we'll do it underground. And if we can do it visibly, as our full
and authentic selves, that's what we'll do. So that our resilience and ability to
survive gives me hope that we can weather anything. Given this current administration,
what also gives me hope like in that is that we have, Because we are in a better
place than we've ever been. We have marriage. We have a lot of affirming LGBTQ +
policies all over the country through the federal government. This stuff is there.
And that a lot of the things we are scared about in a resistant or less inclusive
administration has to roll back what already exists, which means that is work work
for them. I understand that oftentimes people can come at things from a space of I
don't like this, I don't want it, but are they always willing to do the work to
roll it back? So that doesn't mean they're not going to, but it's going to take
them some time. And in the meantime, we get to do the act of showing and the work
of showing like, no, this is why this is beneficial. And honestly, a lot of the
protections that we have, a lot of the things that we are so concerned about, and
I spend my time sort of advocating on, don't just benefit queer families. They'll be
tubeless families. They benefit all families. It's like, it's, um, the difference
between, you know, equal rights and special rights. 99 .9 % of the things I'm
advocating for are equal rights. And when I advocate for them, they help all
families. So it's not that I'm going there being like, my people are special. I, we
just want our own little corner of the sky and no one can touch it. It's an
exclusive club. It's not. When I advocate around things for, like, we're doing the
John Lewis Every Child Deserves Family Act, which is a federal policy that's focused
on removing the ability of states to receive federal funding to discriminate against
LGBTQ + caregivers in the foster care and adoption process. When I do that law, that
doesn't just benefit queer families. That benefits multi -ethnic families. It benefits
families, if I am at so many different types of families, they're not just queer.
And everyone should have that opportunity and the joy of building and forming their
family. - I kind of, I feel like you just kind of answered the next question in
that last sentence was so beautiful. But if there's one thing you'd like all
families traditional or non -traditional to understand about creating a more inclusive
world, what would it be? - I think kind of what I, like everyone deserves joy.
Everyone deserves and has a right to that joy and you and like and family is an
open term. It is chosen family. It is biological family. It is blended family and
we all deserve that and we don't we are we are pack animals. We don't know how to
function without community. We don't know how to function without family and why
would we want anyone? Why would we want a society where there's a portion of people
who aren't connected. If they're not connected, then they're not invested. And if
they're not invested, then they can do a lot of things because they're so lonely,
they're so disconnected. So I want a world where everyone is connected to everyone
else. I think it brings more joy to all of us. - Yeah, but I love that. What
would you say to, let's say a new queer family, new queer parents just brought
their kid home and maybe they live in a region that is less inclusive in the
suburbs. There's MAGA signs everywhere and they're scared and they might be feeling a
little isolated and they're going through this process of thinking this child is the
future and I want them to feel safe and loved. What would you say to them?
- So I have two things. There's a lawyer in me, and there's the emotional person in
me. The lawyer in me says, first things first, you have an amazing, beautiful
family, protect it. So that means make sure you have your living well. Make sure
that you have gone through the process of looking at how you do voluntary assumption
of parenting. Make sure that not you have a court order, not just a birth
certificate that lists both or all of you as the parents. If you are a multi
-parent household, i .e. there's more than two people or the parents look into what
second and third parent adoption forms are so that you can make sure you're all
connected to this child. The reason why I say that is because in the worst case
scenario you want to be able to have the most protections for you and that family
for that kid so that you know the people you care about that are most invested in
that child are always going to be there for them so living wills you know all of
the things I'd like to say before there was a burger felt What would you have done
to establish and protect your family? Do those things. Now that you've done those,
well, now that we've done the hard stuff, the thing I would say is,
see, I'm going to give you an answer from the perspective of someone who does not
know your reality, which is, I would advise you to look and find your community.
Find the people who have kids who are queer, who are inclusive and get to know
them. Yes, there are MAGA signs everywhere. I'm not asking you to be a rainbow
warrior, but I am saying and be out there, but online through like your local LGBTQ
+ community center, you can find other families like yours, other individuals like you
and that can make you feel a lot less alone as you were navigating this process
and hopefully your family is equally supportive of you and as you are figuring out
how to like you know not drop the baby as you are figuring out like what is the
sleep schedule bring them into this as you are doing that bring your family bring
that community that you have into it and if you have friends who are straight and
who want to be accomplices with you, as you are going through that legal process of
making sure that you're doing second parent adoption, you have all this, talk to
them about it. Talk to them about your fears, one, about the MAGA science. Talk to
them about what it takes to do a VAP, the Voluntary Assumption of Parentage. Talk
to them about the experiences you're having with the nurse who is really
disrespectful on your six month visit. Talk to your allies and your accomplices about
it so that they know what your reality is. And then when they go out, they can
try to make it a little bit better for you. Because if they, people who care about
you, they know that there's a problem, they're gonna try to be, make the world
better for you. Most of my friends will burn down the world for me. So if I tell
them there's a problem, they're gonna work on it. And I think most of us have
people like that in our lives. And that can make us feel safe in a world It feels
very, yeah. - And if you don't, they're out there. - They're out there.
- Finding them. - Finding them online, finding them at your community center. Most
LGBTQ community centers have groups for LGBTQ + parents and have, you know, workshops,
seminars about the process. So you should be able to, if you can't, come to Family
Equality with your support spaces. - We'll see you in Provincetown. Or Atlanta in the
spring. - Yes. And then how can listeners support the work of the family equality
and stay connected to your initiatives? So we are on all the socials.
So we are on Instagram We are on threads. We are on tiktok as long as that
exists. We have a really active Facebook Sorry, I say tiktok as long as that
exists. Yes. Yes, we're on we have an active Facebook so you can find us there
We're also at family equality org. So that's our website. It's a very thorough one.
It has lots of information and lots of ways to reach out. Obviously, we are a 501
(c)(3) non -profit, so you are welcome to go online, go to our website, you know,
donate to us, come to our events. We do Family Week every year. That is a pay as
you pay as much as you can, but also we always welcome when you're there, give us
a donation. We do Night at the Pier, which is our annual gala in New York every
May. So you're welcome to come to that. We do house parties, some of our events
are all over there. So when you go on our website, we'll be able to find all of
that information. - Before we wrap up, is there anything else you wanna say or add
that we didn't address? - I think I wanna say that right now it can feel really
scary. I know a lot of people are making a lot of choices to protect their
families. I know people who are going out and getting married because they're like,
we were doing a plan on doing it, we want to make sure we're safe. And I think
that fear, that sense of unease is very real. But don't let that be the thing that
drives all of your actions. Acknowledge it. Just do it a little bit. But then also
look around you. Look at your friends, your family, your community, and understand,
and look at how resilient they are. Think about all the things you've been through
in your life and really be grounded in a sense of your own your own capabilities
your own resilience and know that their organizations like tell me a quality that
we're out here if you are scared the internet can also be a scary place but like
the internet also has amazing organizations amazing individuals out there look for
that information and see what as you were being scared one looked find resources
find information and then be as active as you can. I find action makes me feel
more secure. - Loose, like anyone who's gonna reference into the woods during an
interview is-- - And to be the new term accomplice after my heart. - This has been
amazing. Yeah, thank you for coming on today. - All right, so we really hope you
enjoyed this conversation with Loose, and also make sure you go follow Family
Quality, join them. We really wanna go to family week at some point in Provincetown,
we'll be able to like, I think next summer we might be able to actually do it.
- Yeah. - 'Cause Maverick will be at a good age and we might be financially in a
better place to be able to do it. - And also remember, don't just be an ally, be--
- Oh yeah, what did she say? - What did she say? - I don't want to analyze, I want
to accomplish this. - Yeah, don't just be an ally, be an accomplice after listening
to And next week we're going to have a big conversation about our move to Florida.
You're going to hear all about that. What? Wait, we moved to Florida? Yeah, we did.
We did. It's been quite a journey. All right, we'll see you next week. Bye.